The secret Sirius kept
by I think i'm drowning
Summary: Sirius and james were the closest of friends until lily came along. James loved her, sirius despised her, sirius loved james. please R&R (finished)


I do not own harry potter or any of the characters. They belong to jk rowling

Sirius and james were the closest of friends until lily came along. James loved her, sirius despised her, sirius loved james.

I could still hear your laugh echoing through my empty room.  
  
Not long ago it would've been music to my ears but now I hate it. Now I hate you. Now I hate everything that even makes me think of you. Maybe that's why I hate myself.  
  
You betrayed me when I needed you the most. Left me alone when I cried for your presence. You just weren't there and I'll always hate you for that. Always.  
  
But now I'm confused. Confused because I love you, love you so much. Nothing makes sense. How can I hate the person I love the most? The person I love more than life itself? You. How?  
  
I know I won't get an answer. Maybe because you're not here to give me one. Maybe because one doesn't exist. I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore.  
  
I used to think that you were perfect; that we were perfect together. That nothing could break that bond we had... But I was wrong. All it took to shatter my lifeline was one single person.  
  
She was everything I could never be. She was blessed with all the gifts I could never acquire. She wasn't me...  
  
You took a liking in her immediately and just for that I despised her. You drifted away from me so slowly that I didn't even realize it until it was too late. Until you were already in her arms instead of mine.  
  
I cried myself to sleep that night – every night for the next week, cursing myself for not being perfect, not being her. But it didn't help. You were still happier than you've ever been with me and that just pushed the knife deeper into my bleeding heart. And I? Well, I was beyond miserable of course.  
  
You were killing me slowly – from the inside. Each day you shared your secrets with her instead of me, I died a little more. Died until there was nothing left.  
  
There's still nothing left. Nothing but pure hate mixed with confusing love. I don't want to love you, it hurts too much. But I can't stop. I can't escape it. It follows me like a habit I can't drop.  
  
I want to be alone, want to have some peace. But your familiar laugh keeps haunting me. Seeping through my closed door and drawn curtains, reminding me painfully of all the good times we shared in here.  
  
Remember that time we sat on my sofa, watching a movie and you held me tight and said that you wish that you could freeze this moment in time so that we'll be this happy forever, and that nothing would ever change?  
  
Well it did change. You changed; changed without me.  
  
You left me but you didn't take your memories with you. No, you left them for me to dwell on. You thought I would just move on, but I didn't. I couldn't. Not without you...  
  
Frustrated I flung the photograph of us from my desk. It shattered into a hundred pieces as it hit my bare wall. But I still didn't feel better. I was still as shattered as the pieces of the photo frame. Still as shattered as our future together.  
  
I fell onto my bed and placed my head on my arms. I wanted to cry so badly but I couldn't, not anymore. There were no tears left. Instead I wept silently from within. I had no way out of this, no options.  
  
But there was one... There was one option left and I knew it all too well. I've tried to ignore it for so long but it was getting harder by the minute. The temptation was almost engulfing me and I was getting too tired to struggle against it anymore. Too tired to fight it. It was just easier to give in.  
  
Carefully I placed my hand under my mattress, extracting the heavy stolen object. I must've known how it would end all along when I took it yesterday. No one will even know that it's gone from the safe before it's too late. Before I'm finally gone.  
  
The metal felt cold against my head. But nothing could ever be as cold as your rejection, as cold as my broken heart. My broken heart that stopped beating long ago... long before I pulled the trigger...


End file.
